Humbled

It's always nice to have a weekday off from work.  Today, being President's Day, the kids and I (and Randy, too, who wound up not having to go out on a job today) enjoyed a day at home with no errands to run or places to be.  The kids were able to watch enjoy a lazy breakfast while watching The Lion King, play (both inside and out), and be adorable as usual.

I had a cake (well, three) that I was working on for a baby shower for a co-worker, which kept me busy through the afternoon while Raegan was napping.  I was in my 'zone', sketching an owl pattern to make out of fondant when my phone rang.  I didn't recognize the number, but I knew the area code.  The caller on the other end was someone I haven't spoken to in a long time.  I wasn't quite sure how to handle the conversation, the lens with which to view it.  It was uncomfortable and left me with a variety of emotions, thoughts, and feelings. 

All evening long, I've been thinking of my 'next steps'.  I guess, if you really want to be honest, I've been thinking of these 'next steps' for a long while now...much longer than I can really recall.  The unsettling feeling I have deep in the pit of my stomach serves as a reminder at unexpected times.  I've prayed about it, yet I still feel unsettled.  I'm starting to realize it's because I have been praying for the wrong thing.  I've been selfish in what I want to come out of the situation, when in fact what I need to be praying for is my own ability to forgive.  It's hard to realize this, to even say it, because there is still a part of me unwilling to do so.  That may make me sound awful, but there have been more than several events throughout the years that have caused a build up of hurt and pain, leaving behind a shell of emotion that I make up for by overcompensating in other avenues of my life.  In acknowledging all of this, I'm being humbled.  It's not a fun feeling to be humbled.

As I sat down this evening to relax (finally), and upload some photos from today, I caught up on a blog that I follow, and have shared before.  Two mothers of children that attend the school where I teach co-blog GraceFull Home.  I love reading their posts, but for some reason, God had Jen post what she did today.  She wrote A Lesson in Mud-Slinging, and after receiving the phone call I did today, I swore she wrote it for me.  I'll let her words and interpretation of the feeling of being humbled speak for me, as she does so with far more eloquence than I'd be able to muster at this point. 

As I strive to work toward a more peaceful and complete me, I find solace in the fact that Randy and our kids keep me centered, and if nothing else, keep me busy.  I think my struggle is in finding a balance between the 'busy' and the 'dealing with my emotions'.  To borrow a piece of Jen's words through her post, through my feelings of discomfort during my conversation today, God is saying  "I want you to stop rebelling against me.  I have 2 things I want you to do, REPENT (about face and end this behavior in your life) and FORGIVE (because I have forgiven you of MUCH so you too must forgive)."  (Thank you, Jen, for wording this so accurately!)

I'm a work in progress, as we all are.  I crave a more settled feeling, for my vision to be cleared and the relationships that need be, are defined, adjusted, respected from all parties, and maintained in a productive way.  Not only will my soul be refreshed, but my family will reap the benefits of a less distracted wife and mommy.  I guess being humbled isn't such an awful idea.

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Images from my day: