Thursday, August 23, 2012

Are my cracks showing?

Can you tell I'm one temper tantrum away from going bat sh*t crazy?  (I'm referring to my own temper tantrums, by the way...)

Ahh...back to the world of blogging.  My own little oasis of clicking keys on my laptop, tears and tissues close by (at least tonight they are), and a deluge of ideas for my post's topic.  

I could start all the way back in the summer, filling in the gaps with memories of fun and carefree days filled with sunshine and smiles, or hash out the detailed report from our 4,000+ mile road trip during two weeks in July for my brother and sister-in-law's wedding in Maryland (three kids, two parents, one car.  28 hours.  each.way.)  I could even spend my time apologizing to myself for not keeping up with something that seems simple enough--talking, via a website.  I could do all those things, but I'm feeling so ADD that I can't process how to begin any of those posts without typing all.night.long.  I can't afford that, as sleep has become quite a hot commodity that is in high demand as of late, since Raegan is currently boycotting the concept of a solid stretch of sleep beyond a measly 3-4 hours.  This is not a good thing for a teacher at the beginning of the school year (or at parent-teacher conference time, right before winter break/spring break/summer break, or any Mondays.  You get the idea.)

Things in the Conley household have been...well...strained.  This time of year always runs my sanity through the wringer, as I attempt to coordinate schedules, accomplish endless to-do lists both at home and at work, and make the transition from summer to school year as seamless as possible for all of us.  

And so far? 

I feel like a miserable failure.  

Making the move back to teaching 4th grade has been such an exciting transition for me, it has re-ignited so many of the little sparks I've been carrying for my career back into full-blown torches.  Woo-hoo, right?  Well, yes...and no.  The time it takes to be the teacher I know I want to be simply is not fitting into my already jam-packed schedule.  I'm working very 110% at work, and still feeling behind.  I know that is the sob story of every teacher at nearly every point in the school year, so I don't ask for pity from anyone...but some empathy from strategically placed people in my life can do wonders.  Thankfully, many of my nearest and dearest friends 'get me', mainly because we're all in the same boat, rowing with a few oars less than we'd ideally like (*ahem* we're all teachers). 

The trick is getting Randy and the kids to 'see the light'.  

Well, actually, the trick isn't getting them to see the light, so much as it is for me to 'show them the light', all the while keeping my emotions, stresses, and insane moments to myself, so that I can be a functioning (and happy) mommy/wife.  Tonight, I was an unsuccessful mess.

I let myself get away from 'myself', and wound up losing it.  Tears, frustrations, and feelings of supreme guilt overtook my being and the kids and I had a 'come to Jesus'.  It was cathartic, it was raw emotion.  We were not happy with each other, tears were shed, feelings were hurt (on both ends--the result of which has left me with guilt, sadness, and some self realization/loathing).

Overcoming the feelings of failure as a mom takes such a toll on you.  I know that tomorrow is a new day, the kids will wake up and smile and laugh as they usually do (after a few grumbles about the wee hour of day I rouse them from their slumber), and I know that we will not have hard feelings toward one another.  

Tomorrow is another day of schedules, driving, the eternal feelings of 'running late' coupled with 'not being caught up'.  But, more importantly, tomorrow is another day when I can start fresh, acknowledge my shortcomings, and work to make it better, so that my levels of insanity begin simmering, as opposed to boiling over.


Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.
~Ecclesiastes 7:9