Monday, January 10, 2011

small moments...big blessings :)

Pregnancy hormones, or just life in general?  That's the question I'm asking myself tonight as I recall the overwhelmingly stressful day.  I'm thinking it's a combination of both, or rather one is amplifying the other.  I don't remember being so emotionally drained with either of my other two pregnancies, although I'm sure if I asked Randy, he'd sarcastically laugh and say "emotional?  noooo, not you!".  I guess I was, but then again we were at a different point in our lives, dealing with different things. 

Most of what I'm stressed about are things that are out of my control, but naturally, they're at the forefront of my worries.  Additionally, then I'm adding on the feeling of guilt for being so 'stuck' on these few aspects of life when in reality, I need to be thankful, feel blessed, and stop complaining over the 'small' stuff.  So stress + guilt + worry + feeling of inadequacies - the possibilty to enjoy 2 or 3 glasses of pinot noir (without feeling guilt toward our unborn baby) = yikes!

And yet, once again, I have my kids to thank for taking all that 'stuff' I've just ranted about and temporarily putting it on hold.  Sometimes I'm amazed at how such a small and unassuming little mind can have such a positive affect without even trying.  God definitely works in funny little ways.

I have long days.  Really long and mentally exhausting days.  Today was slightly worse, as we were blanketed with about 8 inches of snow yesterday (snow day?  pfff...that would be too much to ask!).  Traffic was horrible and I had daycare and pre-school drop off.  On a 'normal' day, this takes me just under an hour from driveway to parking lot at work.  Today, it was an oh-so-delightful hour and a half trek with slips, slides, and stupidity on the part of far too many drivers.  Which made me late for work.  Which caused a spiral of the rest of the day, the details of which I'll spare you from reading (and my fingers from typing). 

Arriving home at 5 and quickly figuring out what to prepare for dinner, I continued stewing over far too many things, thus causing me more frustration.  Dinner was over, kitchen was cleaned up, and bedtime was right around the corner, so I decided to take a few minutes to read while the kids played.  Ha!  I got about a paragraph or so in before I had to help one in the bathroom, answer questions for the other one, and remind them both of the countdown until bed.  Another paragraph later (I had to reread it a few times since Brynn continuously was talking), and it was bed time.  And it begins.

Tears are a common thing in most households when the words, "time for bed" are uttered (they are, right?  please tell me we're not the only ones!).  Tonight, it was Gavin's turn.  Thankfully, the kids take turns so that I'm not entirely bananas by the time the whole episode is over.  I'm no dummy though.  They only do this to make themselves look better, not to keep mommy sane.  For example, by Brynn obidiently taking her lovies and walking upstairs unassisted, unforced...she is silently telling me 'look at how well I listen, mommy.  I am such an angelic child.'  Ok, so most times she does verbalize what image she's trying to portray--"I'm a good 'grill' mommy" (she's still working on 'girl')

Meanwhile, Gavin was crying, and suddenly became incapable of walking, thus requiring me to pick him up (not wise for a pregnant momma).  I looked to my *darling* husband for help.  Randy sat about 8 feet away on the couch, watching this scene unfold.  Technically he wasn't watching the scene, he was watching the Science Channel, but it's highly improbable he was oblivious to my struggle.  Jaws clenched, I lifted up our 44 pound 'rag doll' and hefted his weight upstairs, silently yelling my frustrations.  I know when he reads this he'll think, 'all she had to do is ask'.  (That's another day, another blog entry...I don't know how to ask for help and get annoyed at my husband who won't help unless I ask)

Upstairs, Brynn went to bed without trouble (read: she's angelic--tonight), and then it was Gavin's turn.  He struggled out of his shirt and my mood was not up for dealing with additional delays in the end goal: lights off, drifting off to dreamland.  As I helped him into his pajamas, he looked at me with his handsome little eyes, and I started to melt.  Normally I'm a stickler for bed time.  Recently however, I've been slacking on the whole 'routine' of bedtime.  They go to bed on time, especially on 'school nights'.  It's the other parts I've been neglecting.  I'll admit it.  I haven't read with him in a while.  I feel awful enough already, so let's not address it further.

But those eyes, and his sad little tears were tearing at my hearstrings.  How can I send my sweet boy off to dreamland when he's so sad (granted, the tears were most likely a guilt-trip ploy to stay up later.  And yes, essentially they worked).  So, I curled up next to him in bed and chose his new book on sharks that he received for Christmas.  He snuggled up right next to me, clutching his Eeyore, and listened intently as I read.  He was amazed by the facts we read and we chatted about the pictures.  We were having a good little discussion and I held back tears.  Another reminder that my little boy is growing up--and will soon be a kindergartener (which happens to be one of the main things I'm stressing about right now, thus adding to my tears). 

We finished reading, and as I closed the book, I couldn't help but wish the story were longer.  It's not that I love sharks.  In fact, I could be without them, and wouldn't really feel too affected.  But it was that small moment that I got to share with Gavin that I hadn't had the opportunity (or rather made the opportunity to do so in a while) that made me realize there was a reason Randy was 'oblivious' to my struggle getting Gavin to bed.  (no babe, I'm not annoyed at you, but yes, I wish you would have helped me get them to bed--and yes, I should have just asked, but you also should have just helped.  Ok.  Water under the bridge.) 

With all the stress I'm feeling, I know it's *nothing* compared to other things that I could be dealing with.  Friends of mine are absolutely struggling with more challenging times in their lives, and therefore I should be humbled by all the blessings I have.  And I am.  Even with all the terrible things going on in the world, I'm thankful that God took the time to bring me 'back to reality' and remind me to relish in those small moments.  He'll be all grown up before I know it (and yes, I have tears in my eyes typing that).

 Memories from not that long ago...thank God for them all :)
it seems like just yesterday... 

My handsome little book worm

starting him from a young age...

like mommy, like mom saw this often when I was a kid :)

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