Sunday, March 18, 2012


A month from today, our little munchkin will be turning 1.  It seems so unbelievably impossible that this fact is true--the past year filled with very long days, but all the while passing by in the blink of an eye. 

Raegan has been developing quite a funny little personality as she approaches the big '0-1'.  She smiles and chatters a lot, especially because I think she's trying to make sure her voice isn't lost amongst the constant volume created by her older brother and sister.  Recently, she's been shaking her head 'no' pretty vigorously at random times, and dances to catchy tunes.  She's learned to blow kisses and give 'aa-aas' to her loveys, blankeys, and mommy and daddy.  One of her favorite times is bath time, and I'm beginning to think she's made the connection between eating dinner in a ridiculously-over-the-top messy fashion, and bathtime.  Her little dimpled tushy waits in anxious anticipation as the water fills the spot where she will soon splash and play. 

And then, there's the toddling.  It's still odd for Randy and me to watch our little one walking, especially since our older two waited until a few months after 1 to make that daring leap into 'freedom'.  She seems too little to be walking, however we know that since she's our kid, she's definitely not *little*.  I'm realizing how tall she is as her little fingers reach sky high toward the drawers in the kitchen, searching for whatever trouble she can get herself into.  She's mastered the art of drinking and walking, as she opts to have her mid-afternoon/pre-dinner bottle while walking around the house. 

Being a direct relation to me, she's mastering the gift of gab at an early age.  She's still trying to form words, but she does say 'doot' (foot) and 'dook' (you guessed  She'll attempt to say 'cracker' and 'puppy'.  Mama, Dada, and Baba are old hat at this point, and so she's left them by the wayside in order to work on expanding her vocabulary.

Of course, there are the games and toys that are becoming more familiar, desired, and common in her daily life.  She adores playing with my measuring cups and spoons, finds the specific thing that Brynn wants and attempts to claim it as her own, and has fun playing on her mini musical piano.  Raegan's favorite place to play is a toss up between in the cereal cabinet and in the dog's water bowl.  And peek-a-boo.  She.loves.peek-a-boo.  I've rarely met a baby who didn't have the potential to find countless hours of thrilling excitement trying to figure out where it was that mommy/daddy/brother/sister went when their hand/blanket went up in front of their face.  Thankfully, she doesn't disappoint, and is enamored by the question, "where's mommy/daddy/Gavin/Brynn/Raegan?"  I guess you can say we're almost equally as mezmerized by it, because we know that we'll be rewarded with her toothy little grin and addicting little dimples.  She's approaching an age, however, that you *need* to be there at the reveal part of the peek-a-boo.  You can't ask, "where's...?" and try to trick her by popping around the corner.  She relies on that certainty of you being there when the curtain falls.  Or else...she cries.  A lot.

I feel like this last year has been playing peek-a-boo with me.  I feel like it was just a few weeks/months ago that I was in the midst of acclimating a nursing newborn into our lives that, while not perfect, were pretty well set in our roles.  I remember crying often, frightened by the reality of baby blues (post pardum?--I don't really know...but I wish I'd gone to talk to someone).  My life was turning completely upside down, the semblance of organization that I was making progress toward was being spit up on, pooped on, and sleep deprived.  The system and routine we once held was gone.  What.had.I.done.?  Feelings of guilt permeated my being and tried to overtake the love, bliss, joy, and gratitude I felt for the most beautiful gift God had given our family. 

All the while, my hands kept coming up to my face, and I'd ask myself, "where's Erin?"  At first, it wasn't all to often that I could honestly reply, "here I am!".  I didn't feel like myself at all.  I was on this weird conveyor belt, moving me from one part of my routine to another, from one requirement to the next.  Every now and then, I was able to step aside and check in with *me*.  I don't want to sound selfish--I'm not asking for a standing appointment at the salon (although, now that my hair color is lighter, I need one!), nor do I require a time when no one can bother me, talk to me, ask me questions, etc, etc, etc (that's not to say I haven't tried this...just this weekend in fact, while attempting to eat my salad for lunch.  Do I really have to tell you how that went over?!)

Now that I'm approaching the one year anniversary of officially meeting our littlest princess, I've realized that while I'm navigating toward the light at the end of this tunnel, my days of asking myself, "where's Erin?" and being able to say, "here I am!" more often than just 10-15% of the time are still quite far off.  Three kids and a husband, two dogs and a more-than-full-time job, one house and many friendships, one mind and one soul...that's a lot of things that need attended to.  And, if we want to get nit-picky, it's not just my mind and soul I'm needing to keep filled and refreshed.

I'm trying to sound neither selfish, nor ungrateful.  My life is blessed, my heart is filled.  I thank God each and every day for all of the gifts He has given me and continues to give me.  My desires do not lie in the 'changing' of things in my life, but rather in the 'adjustment' of my response to them.  I'm a work in progress, as we all are.  Life plays peek-a-boo often, and for me, I'm going to make sure that when there's a block between myself and something else, that I'm there for when the curtain falls.


tiny toes peeking out from fuzzy pink of my favorite things :)

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