threebythirty: Happy Father's Day, Randy

I have mixed emotions about Father's Day. On one hand, I have a fantastic husband who is an absolutely amazing daddy to our three kids. Although we entered into parenthood by way of a wonderful surprise, watching the transformation he has gone through, from husband to daddy over the past 5 years has been nothing short of amazing. There is literally nothing he wouldn't do for our kids. Being side by side with him on this roller coaster of parenthood has given me the confidence and support I need to become the best mommy I can be. Celebrating him as a father is a given.

On the other hand, Father's Day is a holiday in which we celebrate our fathers, as well as the fathers of our children. Here's where I face a road block. Over the past six years, the relationship between my father and me has become a speck of a fraction of what it had been when I was growing up. I have memories with my dad, plenty of memories. The struggle I face is to chip away at the shell I've built around myself in order to protect my feelings, protect my heart...and view those memories in a more positive and genuine light. The reality is that I lace all of my memories with a negative connotation, and am searching for answers to questions and the ability to reach a level of peace with myself, my relationships, and my feelings when it comes to that side of my family. I know it will happen, I am being patient. I know God is working on me, and therefore I am open to receiving Him and what He has planned for me. In the meantime, with regards to my relationships (or lack of) with my dad and his family, I am feeling lost. As my own kids get older, I know I'll someday have to answer questions about my own father. How will I answer them? I'm not sure at this time, but all I can do is continue to pray.

Then there's the 'other' other hand. This is the second Father's Day Randy's dad is spending in heaven. My father-in-law was on of the most genuine, loyal, loving, and honorable men to ever have walked this earth. I miss him every day. I can't even begin to imagine what Randy is feeling, the sadness in his heart. I struggle with knowing how to help my husband mourn, help him cope, help him celebrate his dad. Without a true relationship between my dad and me, I can't express to him what I would do if I were in his shoes. I can't express my feelings from a similar level of understanding, because the way in which I 'lost' my father isn't in death.

I'm a talker. Randy is not. I want to discuss feelings, talk things through. Randy does not. I don't want to drag up feelings, or old memories, or make speculations...I just want to talk. Talking things through can make me feel better. It can result in some pretty amazing things that might change moods, understanding, or coping mechanisms for the better. Again, I continue to pray.
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Happy Father's Day to all the dads and dads to be out there. While I might not celebrate my father in the way I did years ago, I still do love the man who helped give me life and therefore wish him a Happy Father's Day. While I might not be able to give my father-in-law a Father's Day hug, card, cake, grilled steak...I continue to miss him daily and send all my love up to heaven to a man who treated me like family from day one. And while I might not say it as often as I should or as often as he deserves, I send Happy Father's Day wishes to my husband, the man who gave me three beautiful and amazing children. Without him, I'd be lost. Without him, I'd be broken. I love you, Randy!